Not Broken, Don’t Fix: A Therapist’s Understanding of Asexuality

The word “asexual” holds a lot of connotations. If you look at the dictionary, you may see definitions that include celibacy, lack of sexual organs, “devoid” of sexuality, and singular reproduction by plants or spores (Mirriam-Webster, 2024).

However, asexuality as it relates to our purposes can be understood as a sexual orientation that involves a lack of physical or sexual attraction towards others. Asexual or “ace” people are simply not attracted to others in that way. Oftentimes ace people may also experience a lack of physical desire and arousal, although this is not a requirement to be asexual. Like all sexual orientations, asexuality is about attraction, not libido or behavior. To quote The Asexual Manifesto written at the height of the Sexual Liberation Movement, “asexual… does not mean ‘without sex’ but ‘relating sexually to no one’... [it is] self-contained sexuality” (Orlando & Getz, 1972).

Asexuality is considered part of the LGBT community as it faces discrimination in heteronormative society, but it also faces a fair amount of ignorance in the LGBT community (Bogaert, 2015). For example, the “A” in LGBTQIA is often said to stand for “Ally”. This is untrue, as the “A” stands for asexual and also for aromantic — people who don’t experience romantic attraction. This common ignorance of what the “A” stands for is erasure of asexuality (and aromanticism) that exists in the LGBT community and the general population. The counseling world is no exception.

Asexuality is not common vernacular for the average therapist. Even LGBTQ+ Affirming therapists may not fully understand or have knowledge of asexuality. This ignorance and lack of understanding of asexuality in the counseling field is a problem. Asexuals make up about 1% of the population, and although that estimate might make it seem like it would be rare to have an ace client, that’s about 3 million Americans (Rothblum et al., 2019). Just like every other minority, it’s important to learn about or at least be aware of asexuality as a therapist.

Sadly, the presence or mention of asexuality in counseling graduate programs is rare. It is also a rare subject in continuing education credits, conference presentations, research articles, books, and other educational settings in the profession. Likewise, it is rarely discussed or attended to in clinical practice with clients. This is a problem because if we do not know about asexuality, we are not best supporting our asexual clients. 

If we do not view asexuality as a valid sexual orientation, then we are not validating or normalizing clients who have that experience. We are not listening to our clients and considering asexuality as an option. We may be over-pathologizing clients when they instead need to be affirmed (Nichols, 2021). Considering asexuality when conceptualizing client experiences is vital because then we can consider that lack of attraction, desire, or sexual behavior does not always have to be a problem to solve. Offering clients “permission” to not desire or have interest in others in that way can do wonders to reduce distress.

This “permission” benefits all clients, not just asexual ones. Indeed, by deconstructing sexual normativity (the “shoulds” around sexuality and relationships), all clients can explore and evaluate their own values, wants, and expectations (Carrigan et al., 2014). By attending to and promoting consent instead of “normal” intimacy expectations, therapists can aid clients in identifying and enforcing their personal boundaries. As a result, client distress decreases and empowerment increases.

To best support all clients, including asexual clients, there are multiple interventions and practices to consider. Increasing education and training on asexuality, deconstructing sexual normativity and coercive expectations, focusing on client boundaries and consent, and seeking consultation or supervision are all examples of specific ways to promote meaningful change. 

As an asexual therapist, I see first-hand how meaningful it is to normalize and validate these experiences in clients. I’ve had asexual clients cry in session when I tell them there is nothing wrong with them. I’ve had heterosexual clients visibly relax when we discuss that they never have to have sex again if they don’t want to.

Understanding asexuality and deconstructing sexual normativity as a therapist will serve you in best supporting all clients that enter the therapy room.

This blog post was featured as an article in the Texas SAIGE Spring 2024 Newsletter.